When people say that they don’t require validation, I wonder about that. I used to say that I don’t require validation from others. I isolated myself and I told myself that I didn’t need anyone. And then when I did reach out to people they were self-fulfilling prophesies that condemned instead of honored me.
It turns out that we all require validation. This does not make us weak. Everyone, even the guy and woman on the street requires respect and acceptance. It is through our pain and suffering that we repress our needs so that people don’t find us an easy target–too vulnerable and too gullible.
But really what I did was to repress my need for acceptance and respect from others. Since my family of origin refuses to see the real me (and instead have some fabricated version of me that suits their beliefs and values). The pain I feel causes me to dissociate from them and unfortunately, it causes me to dissociate from myself. And how can I expect anyone to respect me when I forget to show respect for myself?
And yet, the authority figures I grew up with did not teach me how to love myself. Religion considered self-love a sin or called it selfish. Then the people around me didn’t even know how to love themselves so how could they teach me how to honor myself. If I have one regret it is growing up in my family of origin was shouting and criticizing dominate what we call interpersonal communication.
I’ve had to work hard to overcome these deficits. I have been to more therapists than I can remember and still, the pain in my heart continues. And it is from this pain where I find the paradox of being able to teach and coach others to honor themselves. I know what it feels like to suffer abuse. I know what it feels like to suffer from neglect and I don’t want anyone else to endure this pain, anxiety, and depression.
Some people say that religion contains the magic pill. I don’t agree. I think the only way out of this suffering is to face it head-on. I think that resolving ancestral DNA issues and themes holds the key, but there are days when I just don’t have the strength even to say a forgiveness prayer. There are days when I’m crying so hard (like at the moment), that I can’t breathe into the moment.
And during this moment, I feel alone on an island that is drifting further out to sea. I’m not able to relate to anyone today. As waves of grief and anguish pour from my heart (Jupiter in Scorpio), I honestly don’t know how I can get through this moment.
And due to forced relocation (from a housing crisis), I’m not able to get to my therapist or doctor who is in another city. As far as food, I’m living in a community that is a food desert and it’s a four-mile walk and across a busy highway just to find a grocery store. Yes, there are buses, but they don’t connect to my location.
What’s it going to take to get validation? What’s it going to take for people to believe in me once again when other people’s worlds are shattering too? What’s it going to take for me to land on my feet again? And what’s it going to take when people value what I have to offer in the way of soft skills like intuition?
Some days I have answers. Today isn’t one of them. I require a lifeline to get me to the next moment and to the next day.